Making fear a thing of the past

Back in December of 2015, I went for my routine Pap smear to have my results come back abnormal. I tested positive to CIN III. My cervix was literally covered in abnormal cells. Surgery was required to treat the abnormalities on my cervix and I’d never been so afraid in my life. Surgery for me was a first. It was all unknown to me [ see blog post “A First For Everything”]. But I did it, and now comes the time to start having follow up appointments to ensure the procedure has worked.

Two weeks ago I went in for a scheduled Pap smear. Of course I couldn’t help but question the nurse as she did the procedure. “How does my cervix look?” “Could you see abnormalities?” “Has it healed yet?”. She didn’t want to get my hopes up but told me it had completely grown back, there was no scarring and it was a very healthy colour. In my head I was literally screaming with excitement! But as the nurse said, wait for the results to come back and see the gynaecologist to make sure. I was told I’ll find out my results at my gynocolgy appointment which isn’t until next week.

Yesterday morning I rang up our family doctor to book Kyle in for an appointment. I couldn’t help but ask if my results were back. They referred the nurse to call me, looked up my results and to both our delight she told me I have the all clear and a normal result. The tone in my voice became higher and my smile was unwipable. The surgery had worked! All the things I had heard about the loop excision surgery were highly rated. It is one of the most successful procedures to remove abnormal cells on the cervix. I had so much confidence in that alone, but having it confirmed, wow what a feeling.

Next week I’ll have my appointment with the gynaecologist to discuss my results again and what I need to do from here on in. The common course of action is yearly pap smears until you get two consecutive normal results, then it’s back to every two years with a routine pap smear.

For now, I can put that part of my life behind me and focus all my energy into a healthy, happy and active lifestyle with my family. For now I don’t need to worry about if surgery didn’t help and if my cervix is covered in abnormal cells again. One thing I can take from this experience is to live in the now and not spend time worrying on future events. I remember as as a young girl, I would fear surgery so bad that I always said I’d refuse to do it if it came down to it. Now being a grown woman and not a ten year old girl, I’ve learnt to not be so afraid. Sometimes in life things happen that are out of our control. Sometimes we don’t have many choices and sometimes going through the unknown turns out to be an experience that makes you stronger, wiser and in this case, healthier.

Having gone through this, it’s made me feel stronger and braver about going pursuing a dream I never thought would come true, purely because of the fear within me. Next year I have made it my year to change a part of me I hate. A part of me I try so much to hide. Something I wish I was brave enough to go through with as a teenager but would always kick up a fight against. With currently practising healing affirmations, I’ve been made aware that fear is feeling from within us. It’s a feeling we create within ourselves, in our own minds. We have the power to change that. And that’s what I plan on doing by making one of my longest dreams come true. Next year will see me in bracers and at the end of it, flaunting a smile I love and not afraid to hide.

Big love,
Connie X

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