Today I was meant to hit the workshop and get my work done. But today, there was something inside me that could not be apart from Kyle. I could feel it within myself that there was something pulling me in to him and absorbing every second of his being. I was afraid to look away incase I missed something. I wanted that spark of his existence to consume me for the whole day.
Kurt was busily playing with his eldest siblings and neighborhood friends for the day and Mannie was off doing some recertifications. So for most part of the day, it was just Kyle and I, together for what feels like, getting to know each other a bit better.
Why was today so different to any other day? What was it that was pulling me in and wanting me to do nothing but be with him? It got me thinking, is it because I’m being emotional with him turning one. First birthdays are a big deal. Your baby is one! The baby stage is gone. From here in its all about them growing, learning, finding their personality, being adventurous, finding their feet and voice. The big one is huge milestone for our children to hit. And the fact that this is my very last baby, maybe I’m being a tad sentimental that this is it completely.
Or is it because our non cuddly baby is now that cuddly boy I’ve craved? Am I wanting to soak it all up in fear that he stops being affectionate? I do blame ourselves for him being unaffectionate. At an early age, we intervened with Kyle’s sleep routine. With going back to work 9 days postpartum, I needed my baby to settle easily for me. It meant I was more productive with my time and my days. We researched self settling and gave it a try. Within two weeks, we had a self settling baby that wouldn’t sleep anywhere but his cot. He wouldn’t fall asleep in our arms, in the car or in the pram. It had to be in his cot. At the time, I was glad we were able to master the self settling routine again but there was a part of me that questioned if it was the right thing to do. Especially now I’m questioning it. Did we create this non cuddly baby at such an early age? Those precious sleepy cuddles were almost non existent. From 3 months old, we created an independent settled baby. Even cuddles in general, he would squirm his way away from you and push back. There was almost no bond to be had with Kyle and both Mannie and I. But now, we can both feel it. There is that electricity in the way he cuddles you, there’s that feeling of complete love and awe as he leans his head down on your shoulder. There’s that excitement of “Yay he wants me” as he puts his arms up for you.
Is it because he starts family daycare in one week and the guilt is eating away at me? Are we starting him too young? Are we able to keep trekking our way through the days juggling work, life and kids by ourselves? Will daycare help him be more warm to other people so we don’t have to go through seperation issues like we did with Kurt? I do believe daycare is the right move for many reasons. But there is that guilt there of is he too young? Will he be an absolute crying mess wanting his mummy to come back for him? He’s hardly been away from me, will he be ok?
Is it because he is discovering himself and showing personality that’s made me fall in love with him all over again? When he plays, you can see him concentrating with all his being. The focus is next level. Every move is thought through. Watching his eyes and hands is one of the beautifullest things to watch. He’s being more interactive with his toys and playing games back with you. The connection of play is there now.
Could it possibly be because I read Winnie Dots blog last night on disconnecting from social media and taking in life for the moment? Was I wanting to absorb the moment for what it was? I hardly used social media today come to think of it. Only a few times here and there. Is social media the enemy here? Should I be living in the moment more?
I could keep questioning myself and trying to figure it out but the fact of the matter is, that today, there was this spark that took over my whole body and drew me into Kyle. I didn’t want to miss a moment. I wanted every motion to be absorbed and taken in. It will be a day I’ll never forget. The day that Kyle and Mummy bonded like never before. It was pure love and bliss.